Out

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OK, as I’m about to go to bed for the last time in Columbus before starting the next chapter of life in New York, it’s time to finally kick the closet door the rest of the way open, once and for all. Friends, if you didn’t already know it, I’m gay.

Many of you already know that. Some of you have known it for quite a while. Others of you may have put the pieces together for yourselves, or at least been curious, based on personal conversations, Facebook posts, and various other bread crumbs I’d dropped along the path in the past few years. The fact is, I’ve been gradually coming out to an ever-increasing number of friends, classmates, seminary professors, pastoral colleagues, coworkers, and parishioners. I started with people who I knew would be accepting – mostly those who were openly gay themselves. Then, I nervously came out to those who weren’t gay, but who I thought were most likely to be supportive. While I know the streak won’t continue forever, I’ve been remarkably blessed in that to date I’ve received only acceptance and support from every single one of the friends and associates I’ve come out to.

That positive experience gave me the confidence I needed to finally come out to the people I was most worried about losing – my closest family members. It was becoming increasingly difficult to remember who I was out to and who I wasn’t, and I began to worry that my family would hear I was gay through the grapevine before I could tell them in person, and that would have been terribly unfair to them. I’ve now come out to them, too, in a series of face-to-face meetings in Columbus and Pennsylvania interspersed with traveling back and forth for pastoral onboarding meetings in New York. Of course, a few family members still found out before I could tell them myself, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to tell them in person. With one painful exception that I suspect will still resolve with a bit of time, I have received love, acceptance, and support – even when there wasn’t complete understanding – from all of the family members I’ve spoken with. That doesn’t mean there won’t still be some rough edges to smooth out, but I’m truly blessed, and very grateful, for the love that they’ve shown as I’ve come out to them. Unfortunately, I can’t come out in person to every family member or friend, and this combination blog/Facebook post will have to suffice for a lot of people. I hope that you can all understand that, and that you’ll forgive me if I didn’t speak with you in person.

Everybody’s coming-out process includes some challenges unique to their situation. Mine had an added dimension of complexity because I was working my way through it while simultaneously going through the pastoral search/call process. As you might suspect, that resulted in several interesting experiences, but sharing those right now wouldn’t be relevant to this announcement. I’m sure that I’ll share some of those experiences later. For now, though, what’s important is for me to live with integrity – being honest with God, honest with myself, and honest with all of you.

Frankly, to come out in such a public way as this seems odd to me for a few reasons. First, I’m not a famous actor, or athlete, or other public figure that everyone is interested in. I’m just me – a very normal, very average, often boring, middle-aged man, who happens to be a pastor, and who finally put the pieces together, stopped ignoring, denying, and/or repressing, and gradually accepted the fact that he’s gay. Hardly anything to prompt a press conference, a Fox News Alert, or a protest by the Westboro Baptist Church. Maybe at some point I’ll rate a scathing comment in The Layman, calling me a clear sign of the decline of the Presbyterian Church, if not of the very apocalypse itself. But otherwise, this news really deserves little more than a polite yawn.

Second, while I’m certainly not ashamed of my sexual orientation, pastors typically already live within narrower boundaries surrounding their private lives, and I work hard to guard at least those boundaries as they are. Just like anyone else, I expect a reasonable degree of respect for my rights to privacy, and I don’t believe that I need to announce my sexual orientation to anyone as soon as we meet, any more than I feel they need to do so in return.

Third, I have concerns that having come out, people will think that the nature of my ministry will be a one-note symphony; that it will be all-gay-all-the-time. In fact, being extremely sensitive to that potential misunderstanding, I’ll probably raise the LGBTQ issue less than many straight clergy. A large part of my sense of call to the ministry is to work for increased justice in various forms, and while LGBTQ inclusvity in church and society is one of those forms, it is only one.

So given these concerns, why am I coming out in such a public way? First, I’ve already mentioned that doing so gets the information to a lot of you with one simultaneous announcement. But the larger reason is to make a few points that I believe are very important, and to a few different audiences.

To those who know me in the church or otherwise, who hold conservative/traditionalist views which oppose the inclusion of LGBTQ people in full life of the church, including its leadership: many of you have known me for a number of years, and without wanting to blow my own horn, I believe that you’ve seen my pastoral gifts, and you see that I have clearly been called into the ministry. Quite a number of people have made these very comments. If you find yourself in this category, I challenge you to reconsider your position, by seeing that God has called me to the ministry while being perfectly well aware that I was gay, and has given me the gifts to serve in that calling capably, . I challenge you to recognize that a person’s sexual orientation, whatever it might be, is a part of having been created in God’s very image, and that God accepts LGBTQ people into the full life of the church. As the apostle Peter said “God has shown me that I should not call anyone profane or unclean” (Acts 10:28 NRSV); and that “If then God gave them the same gift that he gave us when we believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I that I could hinder God?” (Acts 11:17 NRSV). I hope that knowing me will help begin a process within you where your earlier views are challenged, and eventually revised. If you’re in this category, I’d be happy to speak with you in greater detail regarding scriptural interpretations, but now, for you, this is not an abstract theological debate; it has a name and a face – mine.

The second audience that made me decide to come out in a very public way are youth – and adults, as well – who are struggling with their own sexual orientation, or who have recognized that they are LGBTQ – and who, because of that, have feelings that they’re sinners destined for hell; that God doesn’t want them or love them or accept them as they are; and that there is no place for them within the Church. Many in this audience may have struggled for years, praying until they were blue in the face for God to “cure” them, or “fix” them, but God never did – and so, they felt that God must hate them, or is punishing them, or they’re just not praying hard enough or dedicated enough. Some in this audience may have considered, or may be considering suicide as a result of their spiritual crisis brought on by being gay.

To you, my friends in this second audience, I want you to know that I’ve gone through most, if not all, of those same struggles and inner strife. I want you to know that God never “fixed” you, or me, because there was nothing wrong with us that needed fixed. The diversity seen across the whole human spectrum is a collective reflection of the very image and loving nature of God’s own being, and that includes our sexual orientation and sexual identity. God has been with you, and has accepted you, all along, even if many within his Church haven’t figured it out yet. You are a wonderful, remarkable child of God. It’s true that not every church institution has accepted this reality yet. But more and more Christian churches are reaching this conclusion, and living more deeply into God’s message of love and acceptance. If you’re seeking a relationship with God and with a church community, you may have to switch denominations or traditions, but you will find more and more welcoming congregations, all around the country. My friends in this audience, you are a very important reason for my very public coming out. I want you to see, through the example of my life and call to the ministry, that God loves you and accepts you, too.

Having said all this, I want to make it very clear that I have absolutely no desire to be anyone’s “gay pastor.” I just want to be a pastor – who, yes, just happens to be gay, but who is using the gifts that God has given me, in the way that God has called me, in love and service to God, to Christ, to my congregation, and to the world.

I’m sure there will be more later, but for now, the closet door’s all the way open, and that’s good enough for the moment.

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5 thoughts on “Out

  1. Yay… Wood woop !!! Good for you! I realise this sounds a little sarcastic… Maybe? But it’s not intended that way. I’m very happy for you! 🙂 love who you are… You are unique in the world… There will only ever be one you xx 😉

  2. Ted and I send love your way for being the courageous person you are, and always have been; for being the kind and caring person you are, and always have been. Even today, it still takes a lot of courage to “come out.”
    I have a friend who waited until his 40th birthday to tell his parents. He said all went well with his announcement. He went on to say that afterwards, he went out and had a tall drink to celebrate. He now has a wonderful partner. They complement each other so well. They just recently celebrated their first anniversary together.
    I have another friend who was the minister at Broad Street United Methodist Church for several years. He brought so much love and caring to so many in need during his years of ministry at Broad Street UMC. Yes, he was openly gay with a long time partner. Many of the programs he initiated at the church still remain through the efforts of his former church members. I was tempted to join his church, but had recently joined Worthington Presbyterian Church (1996).
    He was recently called to be the minister at Clifton United Methodist Church in Cincinnati, OH, and is continuing his wonderful ministry there.
    Dwain, I will always look forward to your next post on FB or your recent sermon via “en arche.”

    God Speed, Dwain.

    • And it’s a road you still need to be part of. Just as New Yorkers never visit the Statue of Liberty, we always lived too close to arrange for a meeting. Now that we’re more distant, we’ll find a way to make it happen. Come on up; we’ll go places and drink things.

  3. Dwain, you will be a great pastor no matter what negative garbage is tossed your way–just stay strong, & remember how many folks love you already.

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